BUSINESS

Ethereal java haven Caffè Driade guarantees premium pretension.

Caffé Driade Now Charging $2 Extra for Condescending Remark

In a business move keeping with its sophisticated aesthetic, local coffee mecca Caffé Driade is now charging an additional $2 for a condescending remark with each order. “It’s a service our customers have come to expect, so we feel they’re comfortable paying for a truly artisanal pretentious comment,” says barista Hope Meadowlark of the service.

CAMPUS

Hackett is the only person in the two-person living arrangement heartbroken by the impending separation.

Student Under Impression Roommate Will Miss Living with Her

Based on a complete ignorance of her own numerous flaws and a confusingly formed idea that the two girls are “besties,” sources confirm that insufferable weirdo Lindsay Hackett fully believes roommate Angela Cho will miss living with her next year. Cho says she’s not clear on how Hackett is so delusional about their closeness. “She

LIFE

Get a room, assholes.

Love is in the Air Among Assholes

Spring has sprung and all the assholes on this campus are enjoying the exhilaration of new love. Reports indicate that hoards of self-centered dicks are walking around this campus with significant others like the whole damn planet revolves around them and their beautiful budding infatuation. “It’s fucking nauseating,” says local curmudgeon Byron Eldridge. “These dipshits

SPORTS

This man needs an Advil.

“There’s Always Next Year,” Thinks Everyone Except Seniors

Twenty-four hours after UNC’s men’s basketball loss to Iowa State Monday, sources reported that freshmen, sophomores, and juniors have gotten over their disappointment and are now happily looking forward to next season. Seniors, meanwhile, are still experiencing inconsolable sorrow at having the last basketball game of their collegiate career end on a referee decision to

GREEK LIFE

Mockup of the T-shirt for the allegedly philanthropic clambake, which Zeta Meredith Anheimer attests "doesn't even BEGIN to do the shirts justice."

Sorority Busted for Inventing Charity Just for the Fundraiser T-Shirts

After a lengthy investigation, the University’s fraternities system has confirmed claims that the Zeta Tau Alpha sorority completely invented a charity for its recent fundraising clambake for the sole purpose of buying commemorative event T-shirts. Officials have called the chapter’s actions “reprehensible,” stating that no records of the alleged charity, “Kraftz for Kidz,” exist in

OPINION

I love fun.

I’d Like to Be on the Front Page of the DTH, Please

By Devon Madison Hello. I’m quirky and I go here and I’d like to be on the front page of the Daily Tar Heel, if that’s okay. My name is Devon Madison, though you might have heard of my alter ego, Big Money Mad Dog. I’m just “that guy,” you know? Like I’m the one

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